The Potato Chronicles

"Snakes and Ladders: A tale of how BubbleBubble lost his virginity"

"More accurately that time we shopped and wound up at a blood ritual"

Semi-point form because 1) I’m insufferably lazy and 2) I’m only halfway through an attempt to put this in story form – once done, will update and add below this!

  • Party spends morning in The Slaughtered Dwarf determining what to do until dusk that day
  • Ulmus – knowing his custom saddle will now be complete – SAUNTERS off on his own, but not before swiping a few sausages for BubbleBubble from the tavern’s counter on the way out
  • While party remains at tavern, Ulmus has altercation with a rather large, intimidating fellow who demands 50 gold for passage through the alleyway. Ulmus attempts to “dick flick” the brute with his finger, finds said finger suddenly clenched between the thug’s thunderous thighs instead… and proceeds to burn the bastard until released
  • Ulmus nonchalantly continues on his way once thug runs screaming in agony
  • After he returns with his saddle to the tavern, this is when the rest of the party decides they, too, want to get their “shop on”. All proceed to purchase numerous items. Most noteworthy is Ulmus’ deranged idea to purchase a ladder he intends to store within BubbleBubble.
  • Upon finishing up their purchases, party is harassed by an irate and most assuredly insane woman outside of the shopping district, various felines and trinkets thrown their way in addition to various offensive obscenities. The items appear to have little to no significance or use but are kept all the same. They include:
    – Dwigger: a base whistle (which he decides to be used from here on out as the party’s regroup signal)
    – Isabeau: a pyramid of sticky and black incense. It smells simply terrible.
    – Min: a small packet filled with pink dust
    – Hathyra: a single caltrop made of bone
    – Ulmus: a rabbit’s foot
  • During some manner of disagreement between Isabeau and Ulmus (the noble woman usually in a state of exasperation at the Gnome’s hi-jinks), Isabeau successfully “g’violates the g’nome” with the indestructible penis (also known as Water Wiggly). BubbleBubble, upset at the grievous assaulting of his master, is given a smooch by Isabeau as penance

*Dusk finally approaches and the party makes their way through the slums and out towards [insert whatever the description actually was of this area as, frankly, this got changed a lot in the course of its explanation and I’ve forgotten]. Min moves to hide in a tree [bushes?] nearby in order to eavesdrop while Hathyra and Isabeau blend in with the regular civilians populating the area. Ulmus and BubbbleBubble climb up on a roof while Dwigger heads back towards several establishments nearby to seek a “tvern” which is actually a brothel

*Ulmus, Min, Hathyra and Isabeau watch as the cloaked figures make their way to an abandoned shack in the distance

*Ulmus follows shady figures in squirrel form into the shack

*Hathyra and Isabeau slowly move closer to where Min is attempting to listen outside the door. According to what the occasionally incontinent dragonborn would tell her companion’s after, she heard mention of a “Head of Titans” and that the hermit in the forest was being held captive, his torture for information heavily implied.

*Ulmus, being within the shack as the enemies spoke, witnesses a large and intimidating man remove a set of torture tools and a pouch of gold. Immediately understanding this man to be employing the other two shady figures, Ulmus decides it prudent to follow this figure wherever he may go after the meeting.

*Min darts into the bushes near the shack as the “boss” figure leaves, the other two coming out behind him, one moving to the bush Min hid behind. At the sight of the man unlacing his breeches in order to relieve himself, Min releases her fiery breath, the unsuspecting man screaming in agony as his loins are set aflame.

*As Hathyra and Isabeau attempt to run as nonchalantly as possible towards Min and the screaming man, Dwigger – hearing the screams back at the brothel – makes his way towards the action as well

*Isabeau immediately moves to engage the enemy Min set aflame, her stomach worriedly twisting in discomfort (recalling the strange potion the hermit had her drink) before she felt her sword and shield arms rejuvenated, her sword coming down in righteous fury to viciously slash at the man across his chest. Capitalizing on the bizarre energy surging through her body, she then bashes the man to the ground with her shield, knocking him unconscious

*As the second enemy moves to attack Isabeau and fails in an attempt to drive his dagger between her ribs, Min appears behind him with a devastating sneak attack, repeatedly stabbing and slicing at him as he screams his pain and surprise, Hathyra moving in as well to add her own sword’s edge to the assault

*Charging in with a battle cry, Dwigger raises his war axe high to bring it down upon the assailant’s head but the blow is deflected by the enemy’s helm. However, the heavily bleeding and battered enemy stumbles backwards from the impact, smashing into the shack’s eaves trough and blinding himself with the sludge that erupts outwards

*As his other companions are engaged in battle, Ulmus follows the powerful man to the edges of the forest in the near distance

*In a combined assault, the remaining party members cut down the other two enemies, Isabeau gutting and killing the blinded enemy with her sword as the previously unconscious enemy rises to engage. Dwigger takes minimum damage from the weakened enemy’s attacks but manages to block most, Min moving in to repeatedly pierce the enemy’s flesh between his armor, bringing the man to his knees again. Hathyra ends the scuffle by cleanly slicing off the head of their foe in one fluid movement.

*Ulmus hears Dwiggger’s whistle echo in the air, returning to his companions with the news of the boss’ location in the forest. Before they depart, Min crouches to piss in triumph on the singed and punctured corpse of their enemy [And there was much rejoicing].

*Min quickly checks the pockets of their fallen enemies before the party makes a mad dash for the forest, not wanting to miss their chance at witnessing whatever this suspiciously powerful man was attempting within

*They come to a cropping in the forest, a dozen hooded figures in black surrounding a few incredibly tall people in elegantly brimmed cloaks. Immediately, the companions all recognize the crescent shape on the robes the figures wore

*In the center of it all is a bald-headed figure with tattoos adorning his face, held captive and bounded to a pike in the ground, his blood being drained from his body. They all watch in disgusted awe as the man’s blood is tossed into the flames, the smoke that rises immediately after explosively changing colour

*As the taller figures back up and the smaller ones approach, they all suddenly collapse as if suffocated, the dark silhouette of a menacing figure now appearing in the smoke and flames…



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